It's Been Two Years

It's been two years since I posted any thoughts here. Lately, I've been motivated to share my heart with family, friends and other moms. So, what's been holding me back? I've been searching for the answer to that, myself. I still haven't found it, simliar to the stack of Kindergarten enrollment papers I lost sometime last week.

Mostly, what I want to share are my kids. I love to talk about them, share the funny things they say, and the new things that they learn. Being a working mom, with few of my co-workers having kids and stacks and stacks of work to do, I just don't have the mom connection that I'm looking for. Someone I can share them with, and share in the happiness that mothering brings. I know not everyone feels the same way about their kids, so it's been a real struggle to find that. But my kids are my whole world...a dream, a lifestyle, my life. I have so much to share about them; too much for Facebook. I'm pretty certain my Facebook friends have had way more than enough of them, and here I am...just can't get enough. Writing about them is an outlet for me. To share what is on my heart, and on this journey for which there is no path that lies ahead. It's like mowing my own way through a beautiful field of wild flowers. Each memory being unique, beautiful, and perfectly placed. I can go wherever I want to go.

So much time has passed that now I have a third child, a perfect little girl that was the perfect little match to our perfect little family. And time just keeps on slipping...faster and faster. Our daughter is one, now. And her brothers are four and six. Beautiful is the best word that I have to describe them all. Even that word doesn't do them justice, in my opinion.

The picture resembles my dream, and really defines my children with no words. Austin is the nurturing older brother, always making sure that his siblings are safe and following the rules. Ashton is ecclectic, imaginitive, and independent. And Avery, the baby, is girly, curious and happy. They are all very beautiful, and fun...the way that all children should be.

They are mine; ours; and we are very proud.

The Forefront of My Mind

Austin and Ashton, my little boys, you sit at the forefront of my mind on any given day and at any given time. I spend plenty of time talking about you, and even more time thinking about you. Today, you are mine, I am proud. I love you, both, all the way to the moon and back. You are mama's special boys, something you know because I whisper it in your ear every night before you take your evening "nap." And then I'm reminded that I, in turn, am your special girl.

As it turns out, you exist in 98% of my daily conversations, naturally. You are the best two things I have to talk about...well, aside from your daddy!

One day a kidless friend of mine said "I like to talk with you about your boys, because you never say anything bad about them." (Which was apparently the opposite of her other friends with kids.) Wow. I was blown away, and flattered at the same time. Boys, don't get me wrong, you have your moments. Austin, you are so much more beautiful when you let you smile run wild, and Ashy bear, that paci tends to get in the way of your advanced vocabulary. At four, and as a big brother, Bubba can have an attitude and I think you got it from your Titi Jenna. Where else would you have gotten the excuse "I can't, because my legs are broke," from? Ashton you tend to be whiny when your blankies are missing or that red, white and blue thing isn't attached to your lips. Truth is, we all have faults and it's part of our human nature. But to me, you are perfect. Perfect for me, and perfect for your daddy. When I think about you, I don't envision the screaming match you had with yourself last night, or the 15th fall you took on the way home from the park (Ashy, you are quite the clumsy little thing). I just think about the joy that you bring me, daddy, and the whole rest of our family. You two little boys are so very special, and I want that to be known.

I agree to accept your imperfections, and see you for who you really are. I will choose to look at you through the lens that God intends, and to bring out the amazingness in you long before clouding up my mind with the parts of you that are a little rough; we all have those. You deserve the best; the best that daddy and I have to offer - which we think is a lot. The better parents we are for you, the better the men you will both become. There is no hiding that you have one proud set of parents, who love you so much that joyful tears fill our eyes just thinking of you. Austin, no one can end a good joke better than you, "Awww, I'm jus' kiddin.'" And Ashton, I heard you mumble something in the back seat, even though you keep saying "I sa-id NUSSING!" It's these little things, Bubba and Ashy Bear, that make my days so great.

Just keep being you, and everything else will be alright.

Love,

Your Special Girl

When I look at you

Dear Ashton -

When I look at you, I see your long, blonde, baby fine hair. It curls in at the ends. I see almond shaped eyes the most beautiful shade of green, and a dimple that resembles mine, only still hidden by your mountainess cheeks that lay perfectly atop your little, round face. I see your curiosity as you explore this big world around you, trying to figure out how to take things apart and put them back together again. I see an engineer in the making.

When I look at you, I hear your laugh, it comes from the bottom of your belly and fills up my whole heart. I hear you softly utter "I love you, too, mama," as you close your eyes and go to dream. When I look at you, I hear your two year old voice repeat words, and sentences even kids twice your age can't say. And I hear the short songs you sing to me, that don't really say anything at all but they say everything at the same time.

When I look at you, I see you play "fighting"with your brother, running toward him, lifting your leg, and shouting "hi-ya!" (Where did you learn that, by the way?) I always brace myself for the cry that will come afterward, but I'm usually pleasantly surprised to hear that deep, one of a kind laugh, come from so far down in your belly, right into my heart, once again. I hear you roaring your biggest "roooaarrs," and so sweetly asking "bubba, are you alright," when your brother has taken a fall.

When I look at you, I see you jumping up and down at the bottom of the stairs when daddy and I pick you up from daycare. I hear the excitement in your little voice as you shout "mommy, mommy, daddy, daddy!" When I look at you I see the love that you have for both of us, and we only hope that we are giving you all that love back, and more.

When I look at you, I dream. Of who you are, and who you will become. But I know one thing for sure. You will always be my special boy, and I hope to always be [one of] your special girl(s).

You see, I look at you a lot. When I'm with you, and when I'm not. It makes me happy, and it makes me sad, but mostly happy. Only sad because I crave your presence, and miss you when we're apart. So I look at pictures, on the computer and in my mind. And I think of how fulfilled I will be when we meet again. It heals me, When I look at You...

Dear Austin

Dear Austin -

At 3 and 1/2, monster trucks and race cars are a big part of you. But they are nowhere near as big as your young heart. Genuine is the one word I would use to describe you, if I had only one to choose from. In a soft voice I hear you whisper "Mom, I love you," followed by an innocent grin. And in a startled panic I hear you declare "I'm so sorry," even when there's nothing to be sorry for. "It's okay bud," is what I hear you tell your baby brother, when something is not going his way, and I hear the excitement burst out of you when you shout to daddy "Gravedigga just flipped ova!", while laying next to him on the couch using his leg as a race track.

One of the things that made me so happy to be a mother, and more specifically, your mother, was that you needed me. To change your diaper, to feed you, to carry and hold you. As you grow, you still need me, but less and less. You're a big boy now, no more diapers for you! And you can feed yourself as long as there is food in front of you. I'm thankful that you still need me to carry you, and hold you. Ironically, I need that, too. Not a day goes by that I don't lean in to kiss you at every chance I get, or brush your shoulder as you run, or jump passed me just so you feel my touch.

Austin, you have shown me a love that I've never ever known before. And without you, I never would have. I love everything about you, from your green eyes, to your silly expressions, all the way down to that big old first toe that looks just like your daddy's (sorry). I love that your little heart is just as sensitive as your beautiful skin. And I mostly love that God has blessed me with such a wonderful son.

To Remember

They fade away so quickly. What once put a smile to my face, or a flutter in my heart is no longer even a memory. I can't recall what they said, or the face they made, or the real reason I laughed..or yelled, or cried. But they are so worth remembering. And I feel bad that I forgot, and like a piece of me is missing. I mean, there are things that I will never forget, and things that we will never forget. However, in three and a half years so much has already dissolved, that I can't afford to let anything else go. I started to write things down on my scratch paper at work. Sitting at my desk in my grey cubical I would think of things that I would tell them as they aged, things that I would write to them in their scrapbooks, and best of all the funny things they said and did. Then I lost them. The pieces of scratch paper; tear stained scratch paper. With the memories that I really wanted to remember, what I wanted them to know about eachother and about themselves, and what I wanted them to know about my love for them. I am great at drafting ideas in my head, and less fortunate when it comes to putting them on paper. So the time is now. To hunker down, and even when I'm {tucker}ed out; it's time to write it down, and remember, and enjoy my children forever. To relfect on what it is that makes me so proud to have two very different, blonde haired, green eyed, left handed, sweet hearted, mommy loving boys. They are worth not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. Scratch paper wasn't working, so I'm going to give this my best shot. I'm going to remember, and they are going to know who they are, and their journey getting there. Because it's all going to be right here. The memories are all going to be right here.